It’s really raining girls..vixens.

It’s a warm Saturday afternoon, and I am seated on one of those benches at GC reading my novel. I am at chapter 14 where the novel is at its best. It’s a thriller, and the hero is about to get the bad guys. ‘Go get 'em’. A Voice in my head shouts every time he outsmarts them.
Then my sight is arrested by something. On closer look, it’s a vixen, eer sorry, girl, dressed like Niki Minaj, leading, by the hand, so much in love, I could say, a frail old man who at first I mistake for her grandpa who has come to visit Garden City. He is dressed in a luwande pair of trousers, those they make from Kiyembe and a very new shirt, and you know those ones which remain with many lines after you have unfurled them from the suitcase.

Momentarily, the bad guys in the novel are forgotten. How sweet! I wish my grandchildren also take me to Garden City when I am old. But, science also! This girl has a Mzungu grand daddy! Since I was never good in science class anyway, I let one of nature’s miracles pass me by.

Then, quickly, like lightening, even before I can see bulungi…the old man has kissed the Niki girl. I am not lying…really kissed! Hmmm. Then I wonder how young lithe vixens like to taunt old grayed-near-clean-balded-grand fathers. Poor old men!

World of advice: Watch your back,and pension, old man.
When I say watch your back, Ssebo,I don't mean it figuratively. Far from it. I am being straight up. You see, in case you neglected to Google ‘girls who like really old men' before you left home, I will give you the results here; they are well schooled in the art of getting you tired fast. Hence, the term lithe. You may therefore forget you are 80 going on 70 and slip a disk.

I even wonder why they don’t choose men their own age!(that is biff, if you insist).Preying on the weak, indeed.
This pleasure, old man, may not just eat into your old faithful Medicare insurance and pension also. It may also endanger your back, as mentioned above.
But I should also mention; we love you, for bringing in the elusive dollar to our country. Our economy loves dollars.
Just don't be the retired mullah flying to Ug for vacation who takes a ship back home with a broken back to look for work. Cleaned out of health and pension.

old man during his younger days

I met a P.I.M.P

If you are an average guy or chick for that matter,this post is not for you.Because the people you know who normally do this work are called bulookas(brokers).So thanks for visiting.Do come again. Bye.

Now that we have the pervs as audience.Welcome again.
The story starts here. Once upon a time...........and you repeat "a long long time a go".

I traveled to Dar -es Salam. Damn,this city is hot.Eh! Sorry. No swearing in stories.In order to take advantage of cheaper flight rates, I booked early and even flew early,(I suspect to leave the plane for more paying passengers).Since main business started Thursday morning,my Monday morning flight left me idle by the time I touched down. I had days to kill. So I call some one.I have friends in hot places. He picks up,he was just having a lecutre,but since I am his international friend come a visit ,he leaves the lecture.
I ask him,
"Now friend,have you ever been to Wandegeya?"
"Wande-wa?" he asks also. I conclude he hasn't.
I ask again,
"Okay,where in Dar is a place like Wandegs?" he is bright,he must have watched Wandegs in his TV.He tells me such a place is called Sinza.
Sinza is like Wandegs in two or three ways.It is close to town but yet with the friendly prices of a friendly place. I pick a cab. I have a few friends with me. In the hot cab is an old man .He realises we are Ugandan. he gets into our culture. You see we talk alot. Ask MTN,we even jam network.MTN you will pay later.That is a kalango.The man talks about history,about Dar about the cousin he has in Uganda, about Zanzibar. Wait..did he say Zanzibar? .Are we the type that has four days to kill? ..and you are sure he said Zanzibar? We listen,meanwhile our brains are turning around this hot piece of information and pictures,oba diagrams are drawing themselves in our heads..how slaves be sold in Zanzibar and how sultans,those of Bargash be ruling in richness..our minds are picturing...

He said somethig in swahili,and we knew we had got to Wandegs,sorry Sinza.My friend was there waiting.We check into a hotel and we soon go looking for supper.No,lunch.Yes.Lunch. Because we are tourists we decide to walk back into Sinza and them amazing sights be before our eyes.There are pubs everywhere in trees.No.Not like birds in trees but since it's so hot,why build buildings?You just kwesooka a nice shady tree and a pub is established. We enter.(Sounds funny,entering a tree?) We enter the pub and take some drinks.They realise we are Ugandan,they play Chameleone,and Tindatine,can you imagine!? Long story short,we sleep at five a.m.

Now,if you want to die.Don't die before you take a speed boat to Zanzibar.Do that and you can die anytime. It amazing,ocean water being white as the speed boat slices through it. Then you pass by large ships as you go,its like overtaking buses on Masaka road. That is how awesome it can be. I even took a picture which facebook blocked. So we land in Zanzibar.

Enter my pimp friend. Friend because,this is twelve hours early ,but since, well he is a PIMP ha calls every one male, friend. Now,its hard enough to find someone who speaks english in Dar.Multiply that by the square root of seven and give me the answer. It's muuuch harder in Zanzibar.

"Maen! Whazzup?
"Man,we ara fine.We want hotels",and pimp takes us to a hotel having trippled the prices.
We inspect the rooms and they are oba mouldy! It's low season.But because Americano as we called pimp was a welcome relief in a world of coast swahili and arabic,we warmed to him early only to realise he was cheating us.Swahili guy tries his best English on us to let us know Americano is cheating us.Why should we trust him?,we ask and he says "ask someone else other than him and me". "Because he has taken you away from my hotel I also take you away from him.Even I was going to cheat you, I am honest" Any business pupils in class? Take notes.
We ask a third party and we realise the truth.We don't book.

Now this is a warning,.Movies are fiction.They should never be related even remotely to reality.Even sports channels. Dude with us tells us in glowing terms how he knows a good place for lunch,and we are all hungry now.We hire a Super custom and get there.The ads showed them in good light.But that was all. We settle for Birhian in the next kafunda. Using the same informant,we drive all the way to North Coast,only to realise since it's low season,they are deserted and you can't do a lot on kilometres of white beach sand except collect shells and take pictures. We do that and return to stone town.

In stone town,we had visited him Bargash the sultan's palace,slave market and the ancient town.It's magical. But we return at night and struggle to find a beer. We have done better scaling walls.Beer is a rare commodity in Stone town Zanzibar,except in Komba discotheque.

This is the real thing! All you pervs ,may I have your attention please? I find my friend Americano a.k.a P.I.M.P on duty.Daytime job,if you can call it that. He tries to skive drinks off us,mbu he will give us company.We refuse. Club opens at midnite.We enter.We dance. We dance the shuffle.We seem to be the only group dancing the shuffle so everyone comes our way,and then Americano has no job.They play Juliana and Chameleone and Tindatine arrrgh again!

Now.I apologise,I will not tell you what else happened.We had a great time.All you people who saw us spent in Bagamoyo,this is where the term 'memory loss' was coined and this is where we lost all our money.Ask no more questions.

Having looked even for a a guy to speak broken English and failed,I am leaving the club last and this bouncer tells me in crisp Luganda."Ba ssebo mwebale kujja.N'enkya tujja kukola"

Season II: Is that her ....Emma?

Previously on ..Is that her Emma?

Hot, lip-licking chick going for Emma.We later find out she is Lynette.
 Flash Flash.

Green eyed gal giving Emma the Look(that must be Dorah)
Flash

Dude Deo, eyes swollen and wet, saliva flowing (evident  palm tracks on cheek)


our ka jingle plays.....,gets loud,louder.....then fades ,fades....





Presently. Two guys are seen at a table with a platter with something that seems sweet. One Guinness,One Bell Lager and a Smirnoff Ice Black.
 You know I don't work  for a hard -drinks company, I just support them...and since these events happened that way,I have to mention the beer I was drinking! Yes.The Bell was mine.
The beauty with being Catholic.We are allowed a drink anytime,  in public,wherever, and its not a sin! Yippee!

The House rules,guys.This again is a Men Only post.Okay? So I won't be responsible for what your girlfriend does to you if she finds out you read such stuff! I will deny you.

Its been several days since my main man got slapped. By a one- day- old gal-friend at that! Such balls!...okay I meant guts! So we are seated at a platter when he receives this call.

       "Where are you?"
  (this question makes telephone companies rich.If it went out of fashion,or by any luck got outlawed, profits would drop. I tell you)

"I am  just leaving home."

"Are you sure Deo?"

"Yes Dorah. Did you want to come by............?"

"Nga I see your car packed out here....?"

Phone clicks off and previous caller confidenttly struts to our table,invades our pork and hence the Smirnoff Ice on table. 

Some time back:
As boys ,we watch each others' back. We are brothers. You there...not like that!  

Like I was saying..... brothers cover each others' back.So when Dorah asked me what happened at the Kasiki I kept to my part which gladly ends with me in my bed. If she wanted x-rated stuff,she had to ask someone else.
Deo had also been briefing me  earlier,some one had sold him out.

"Ggwe man. Do you know Dorah found out?"

"Found out......?"

"Yes  man.She even knows I was slapped by that ka Lynette.Whoever told her!"

"How many people know?"

"Ate how many? You, me,and Lynette."

"Do the math, man.Someone told some one.Are you sure they don't know each other?How did she react when she found out?"

"That girl is full of surprises.She just told me that she knows my type,mbu that whatever I do doesn't surprise her at all..can you imagine?!"

Presently......
Now Dorah,seated calmly and drink ordered,explains to me an interesting concept.I swear at the end of this lecture.I demand that God starts making chicks with user manuals.They are just so ever changing.You need a write out from manufacturer to understand them.

You think you  are wise?!

'You guys think you are smart,but you just don't know! For me I know this guy, he cheats,he lies he is a drunk,but I choose to stay with him.You see not many girls can stand that kind of guy. Nga we have gone through alot together!! Those bu-girls will come and go.Do you think she was the first? When she called me that  morning I hear to boast I just told her she won't manage and  I am not afraid of her.'

This is some lucky dude, I think. She is that understanding!

 It comes as a shocker brethren, when five months later I find Dorah pregnant ,and its not Deo's! Her explanation? Even patient women sometimes can't take   the shit no more.
"Tell your friend he can come for my kwanjula if he wants. Its next week- end."