I committed suicide!
....and with this piece,akin a visit to the confessional;Forgive me Father,for I have sinned.....I intend to recite all my Hail Mary's and atone for my sins, and I honestly do hope I am forgiven.
When we set out to be creators,to start and build business or even to earn money out of our passions and hobbies,we sign a contract for eternity.More like 'Till death do us part.'
At first,its just us and us only.Not many people will believe you at the start anyway.Later,we get a following.People link their dreams with ours.We have employees. We have followers. We have the economy. We have the Revenue Authority. We have the charities, and we have our families either all looking on and waving us on by the sidelines or actually participating in our dream.
Some taking actually.
When God said 'Go ye forth and multiply and conquer the earth...be fruitful...', he was referring to our entrepreneurial ability....and all of us have it in a way.
Its therefore unacceptable.Totally and and ubeliavably unacceptable to trade this privilege and talent and dream for a JOB. There. I have described the rope for my entrepreneurial hanging.
God knows I turned down a number of them.One after another.Some,'permanent and pensionable..'some 'three year contact with a real possibility or renewal..'I was not interested.
I also suspect my choices are responsible for the extra wrinkles on my old man's face. Shame of a son!
It's therefore unfathomable that I turn round and take one of them jobs,six years since I said 'NO' to those who came first.(Sorry jobs!) They have reason to sulk.
Because I lost my first business?
First businesses are like first-bornes.You don't quite know what you are doing but you are utterly convinced you will bring them up well. More like prodding in the dark but finding the mark. You should therefore see the anger and disappointment when you declare you business ended.The employees who believed in you and gave their time or even stayed when things were tough and probably missed better opportunities will never forgive you when you do that to them. Its their dream too.
For my case,the irony was that after a flawless start.Thank God.I attracted more investors and partners.I never quite figured that more financing and more men on the job would actually bring about the downfall...and so we sunk. Just like all tragic situations,we live through anger then denial then more surprise then blame then ...sadly resignation. The entrepreneur should never wallow in self pity.He should always take responsibility(and I do)for his and others' actions. After all you were there before everyone else and you quite know the dream is only half lived.
With the failing of a business comes more work.More like mopping up after a terrible storm .Employees to look in the eye and apologize or even pay up the last salary.Taxes to pay...Yes..still! Suppliers to pay and clients to manage.Contracts to renegotiate,and don't forget bills and loans to sort out They will never understand why you chose to self destruct just like that. It's betrayal.
Then the storm settles and you find yourself broke,or to put it more appropriately bankrupt.
For many entrepreneurs. This comes with deep soul searching.Unfortunately for many,me inclusive, we choose the easy way out.We choose to piggy-ride on someone else's seemingly successful idea, otherwise known as getting a job. Tough times don't end when you choose to get employed.They start. Because an employer/entrepreneurs' mindset is totally the opposite of an employee's.As an entrepreneur/business owner you are used to getting things done your way most times.You dream the dreams.You are the boss.Nothing is impossible.We move mountains.
In your new found employment,you are assigned a desk and sometimes a computer.You start by learning the hierarchy and abiding by the rules.No matter which of your skills got you employed, you are never the same.You do what you are told, and you go home. You don't bring your before-this-life lugezigezi and Mr fix-it attitude to your new employment.After all.Why dint you fix those which sunk you!!
Nothing murders creativity like restriction.True,you may excel at your job because the world celebrates achievement and that's what you learn when you enter the real world. But the guilt just never goes away.
So,for months I toiled for my new employer while feeling the guilt of having abandoned my dreams and betrayed those who had put their whole faith in me. If you choose to keep on this new employment,you are doomed! You will always regret what what you dint do,and what yo would have achieved had you tried again. If you choose to start afresh while still at your area of refugee,you are doomed still,because these two mentalities are as far apart as the North and South Pole.;and I hear the have no intention to ever meet and greet.
Some people have managed to balance the two.I salute them. I tried and failed. If your dream is to rule the world,be a billionaire,save the world,change the world.Then get on with it.Stop hiding behind other people. You come all out and expose your remaining weaknesses.You move on with all you got(sometimes you are really battered.But that is the point).You dig up new strengths and like a never-tiring pilgrim, you journey on.
So,after several months of doing my best,at a time when 'we' (employee and employer) agree that we are moving somewhere,I threw in the towel.Just to give my dreams one more shot.
So Help me God.